In Part Two of the series Family Dynamics in a Psychiatric Crisis, Valerie and Helen have a frank, candid conversation with Valerie’s sister and husband, who were the principal
caregivers during her severe mental illnesses and behaviors.
The result is Caregivers Talk Turkey to Caregivers, where they explain the knowledge, relationships, coping skills, and self-care that allowed them to persevere through the long, dark years until Valerie’s full recovery.
What sustained, inspired and comforted them throughout the process are a revelation for listeners who are involved in the care and treatment of a family member with mental health
challenges. Their examples of supporting the young children involved are especially insightful and poignant. This episode makes for an invaluable listening experience for family members everywhere.
Find Valerie and Helen at mentalhealthhopeandrecovery.com
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The Family Dynamics of Psychiatric Crisis—Part Two: Caregivers Talk Turkey to Caregivers
Episode 48
Helen Sneed: Welcome to our award winning podcast, Mental Health Hope and Recovery. I'm Helen Snead.
Valerie Milburn: And I'm Valerie Milburn.
Helen Sneed: We both have fought and overcome severe chronic mental illnesses. Our podcast offers a unique approach to mental health conditions. We use practical skills and inspirational true stories of recovery. Our knowledge is up close and personal.
Valerie Milburn: Helen and I are your peers. We're not doctors, therapists or social workers. We're not professionals. But we are experts. We are experts in our own lived experience with multiple mental health diagnoses and symptoms. Please join us on our journey.
Helen Sneed: We live in recovery, so can you.
Valerie Milburn: This podcast does not provide medical advice. The information presented is not intended to be a substitute for or relied upon as medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. The podcast is for informational purposes only. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health providers and with any health related questions you may have.
Helen Sneed: Welcome to episode 48, the Family Dynamics of a Psychiatric Crisis Part 2 Caregivers Talk Turkey to Caregivers this is the second part of our in depth series about the family in times of psychiatric crisis. What happens and what to do when one member has a mental health condition. To represent all points of view, we will hear from parents, siblings, spouses, children, the individuals with the mental health challenges, and a family therapist. Our overall goal is to define and demystify the impact of mental illness on the family and to enlighten and strengthen the impact of the family on mental illness.
Valerie Milburn: And today we will indeed hear caregivers talk turkey to caregivers. And we have two very special people talking turkey today, my own husband and sister.
Helen Sneed: Well, as we're going to learn, caregiving is a tough job when it becomes a major role and responsibility of a family whose member is suffering from mental health challenges. We are going to offer education on how to be a positive influence in this difficult time. We'll also look at the importance of self care, supportive relationships, counseling in the face of burnout, stress, fatigue, despair. And then we'll wrap up with a mindfulness exercise with Valerie, as we always do.
Valerie Milburn: You know, Helen, the National alliance on Mental Illness has some wonderful advice for caregivers when caring for a family member in a psychiatric crisis. And I'd love it if you'd kick it off by sharing some of NAMI's caregiver advice.
Helen Sneed: Well, Valerie, I think that this is. It's important for us to do this right now because as you and I are always stressing, there's such so much to be gained in the importance of educating oneself about these illnesses. It is as important for caregivers to understand it as it is for the person with the psychiatric challenges.
Valerie Milburn: Yes.
Helen Sneed: So here's what NAMI recommends. Meet your loved one where they are, in the stages of illness, wherever they are from. Denying the problem to recovery. Be with them there and don't push ahead. Stay in the moment. Listen in order to communicate. Don't tell them how you can help. Ask if you can help and how. Show compassion for
Helen Sneed: past mistakes. Try to convey empathy and your compassion, including for past behaviors. Avoid shaming. Encourage self empowerment. It is the basic key to recovery, independence and the ability to motivate oneself. Practice positive reinforcement. Even the smallest accomplishments can be huge. Valerie, we know this so well. Getting dressed, taking a shower, answering the phone. Regardless of how small these steps may seem to you, recognize and praise them. Avoid helicoptering was just what it sounds like that's hovering about. The person you know too ready to swoop in for a crisis. Just, you know, back off a little if you can. And finally, access peer insights. Now, peers are people who have gone through the same psychiatric difficulty. So use the matchless wisdom of those with this lived experience. Peers who have recovered can also provide inspiration and hope to all involved.
Valerie Milburn: Those are such good tips. The one I really like is meet people where they are. Meet your family member right where the struggle is or where the triumph is. I love that. And there's another set of tips that NAMI offers. And if you want to share those, I know they will be of value. So that'd be great. Helen.
Bernadette: All right.
Helen Sneed: Number one, know your involvement can improve outcomes in many areas. This is true. I mean, so many areas. Providing family history, advocating with insurance and legal issues, helping to find resources and to overseeing the treatment team. You can Be an invaluable support and resource to your loved one throughout this process. Number two, Prepare for a marathon, not a sprint. Unfortunately, recovery isn't linear. Caregivers must take the long view. Knowing this makes certain to practice self care consistently and to build the emotional stamina needed on such a difficult journey. And also to be mindful of finances and the reality that the treatment may be costly for a long time. Number three, Build a village of support. Help find and then work with the treatment providers when they need your input. And there are professionals in place in various locations to assist you with negotiating the system. You don't have to do it alone. Number four. Surround yourself with supportive and empathetic friends. Mental illness still is stigmatized by many and in the face of your situation, some of your friends may not be able to cope, but others will come through for you. Help to listen or lighten your load. So protect your boundaries and remember to preserve your strength for the battle at hand. On behalf of your loved one, practice radical acceptance. Reframe your expectations from what your loved one may have been to who your loved one is today. And you may experience grief over the loss of that person that your loved one used to be. But try to stay in the present moment and be with your person where they are now. If you can, replace your expectations with acceptance of the situation. Because with the right attitude it can become tolerable and even enjoyable. 6. Remain person centric. Teach yourself more positive language and attitudes that move away from the, you know, the kind of tired old concept of mental illness and being a sick person. Because with the right attitude you can help the person become more optimistic and recovery oriented. With the right language, you can help strengthen their self image and self esteem and that sense of empowerment that is so important. And finally, number seven, be open to exploring outside the standard medical model. For example, medication can help reduce symptoms is very important, but the individual needs other support just as much. Trusting relationships with family and close friends. A good therapist and psychiatrist, a place in the community, healthy living through self care and meditation and mindfulness. These can be life saving to an individual fighting for recovery.
Valerie Milburn: That is such good advice from from NAMI as usual. The national alliance on Mental Illness provides such good information and I particularly like the part you mentioned, Helen, about caregivers needing to support themselves through
Valerie Milburn: the process of supporting their loved one. And we're going to hear about that from my sister Bernadette and my husband Malcolm, who are again joining us in part two of this five part series. If you our listeners have not yet tuned into our last episode, Part one of this family series. It is a powerful episode with these two people who loved and supported me through my crisis and who now support me in my life and recovery. Let me share just a few comments from our listeners about that episode. Here's what one listener said. Your recent podcast is really great and intimate. You two continue to advance real talk and place the emphasis on the tough stuff that enables a breakthrough.
Helen Sneed: I want to also encourage people to go back and listen to this. It's an astounding episode. I have been telling Valerie it's an instant classic.
Valerie Milburn: Thanks, Helen. I want to share a little bit about Malcolm and Bernadette as the people they are beyond the roles they played as my caregiver. And Malcolm is my husband of 41 years. He's my best friend and the person who kept me alive during my psychiatric crisis. He is a real estate professional and manages our real estate family partnership. His business degree is from Monmouth College. Malcolm spent years in the food and beverage industry, including cooking, catering and owning a bar. Cooking is Malcolm's passion and he's a fabulous cook. He enjoys working on our South Texas ranch and soaking in the gorgeous wildlife there. He is granddad to five of our favorite people. Malcolm is a multi generation native Texan and his family has a rich Texas history and he is definitely my favorite Texan. My sister Bernadette is a helper, a literal lifesaver to me and a source of support to many and to thousands and thousands of school kids during her 31 year career in education. She spent the majority of those 31 years as a middle school guidance counselor and I mean a gifted guidance counselor. Her undergraduate and two master's degrees are in education and counseling. Bernadette is a pickleball addict, loves her book club and has a beautiful garden. Bernadette is the beloved aunt be to two generations of nieces and nephews. 29 of them. No wait, 30 as of last week.
Helen Sneed: You know, Valerie, when we sat down for our conversation with Malcolm and Bernadette, they were already chatting about the episode and it's, here's what they had to say. It's fascinating.
Bernadette: I've kind of been wanting to talk to you about these things for, for a long time and I've, I've never done it. So it's, it's kind of, I've been, I didn't know if you would want.
Malcolm: To, but yeah, no, I'm glad this popped up because it made me go back and think and I'm still at a loss for dates and exactly what happened when and exactly what my reaction was. So much of it was just a blur.
Bernadette: I think it's good. It's made me really think about some things, and, you know, I think it's great, and I think it's going to be very helpful to other people going through it.
Helen Sneed: Absolutely. From the beginning of our conversation with Malcolm and Bernadette, I could see immediately how close they are. Now, I know this bond was forged as together, they cared for you, Valerie, during the long, dark years. Now let's join the conversation and learn firsthand about caregiving in the family.
Valerie Milburn: So how did the two of you support each other through those long hours and long years of the caregiving you had to do for me?
Malcolm: Well, Burnett, you know, I. I'm not sure that I gave you a lot of support out. You know, I hope that I did, but I don't really. You and I were talking earlier that. That we were forgotten a lot of things, and I hope I gave you some support and just that I think that we just visited a lot when you were over at the house and. And talked about Valerie and what was going on. What's your recollection?
Bernadette: Yeah, and it's like you gave me.
Malcolm: More support than, well, gave you.
Bernadette: Well, I think you had a little bit more going on with. With the kids. But it was funny you said that, Malcolm, because my reaction was the same thing. It was like I. I feel like I supported Malcolm, you know, by helping with the kids and, you know, whatever, you know, I could do to run errands or something. But I don't know how much I really checked in with you. But
Bernadette: I think the fact that we both knew what was going on, that was supportive to me because I. I don't really remember sharing a lot of, really how serious things were, you know, with other people in my life. And you were the person, you know, who knew exactly what was going on. And that was very helpful to me, just being able to, you know, to talk to you and like you said, about what was. About what was going on. And I feel like that was supportive.
Malcolm: Well, yeah, and I do remember that part that we were there for each other, especially when we had some other little crises. I remember one time when Valerie, we didn't know where she was, and we went and walked the neighborhood. We went everywhere, looking around, trying to find Valerie, and it turned out that she was in her closet back behind the clothing. And you and I were just flabbergasted. We didn't know why she was doing that. And it Helped. I don't know what I would have done if you had not been there.
Bernadette: I think that was the night that Valerie disassociated, and that was probably the incident that was the most confusing and the most scary for me. And obviously it was for Malcolm also. I didn't know. I had never seen that. And it was. Malcolm, fortunately, got her therapist on the phone, and that was very helpful for us.
Malcolm: I didn't even know what dissociation was at that point.
Bernadette: Yeah. And I didn't realize that's what she was doing until the therapist was talking to Malcolm. So, yeah, it was. It was just. It was hard, some of it. And I think just the fact that maybe that Malcolm and I both were involved to the level that we were, that that in itself was helpful, because, like I said, I don't remember talking to a lot of other people in my life about what was really going on. I think they knew, you know, just a little and not. Not the. Not the details.
Malcolm: There are some of our other family members that knew something about it, but not the details exactly. And no, my. My folks were around back then, and. And they were helpful to me and to the kids, but not in a. Not in anything to do with. With Valerie's disease. It was just centric around helping us do something other than worry, you know?
Bernadette: Yeah, that's. That's pretty accurate from what I remember. You know, and I. Like I said, I tried to do what I could for Malcolm with the kids, you know, and as I mentioned, that was very easy for me. I loved doing that. I adored the kids, still do, you know, so that was not. That was not difficult for me to support him in that way.
Malcolm: But thank goodness you were there for the kids. There are a lot of things that I just had a hard time with this.
Helen Sneed: You know, you guys are just. Just sort of immersed in a crisis almost overnight, and you. You had no time for a learning curve. So how did you prioritize your many other obligations and responsibilities around Valerie's needs, which were also so crucial? I mean, this must have seemed like triage.
Malcolm: Yeah, it was. It was very difficult. I pretty much dropped nearly all my social. Social visits with other friends and things like that. I mean, I just didn't have time to do any of that anymore. And so I still did some work and as much as I could, and. But my priority, of course, was with the kids. And, yeah, it was a learning curve. Yeah, I knew nothing about mental illness, and it was so great to be able to talk to my counselor and to be able to talk to her psychiatrist. And he was one of those guys that said, you call me if there's something coming up that you can't handle, give me a call. And so it was not. It's so nice to have a professional be able to explain to me what was going on. And I highly recommend anybody that finds himself in some position that I was in to seek that help, that level of help, if they can.
Bernadette: Yeah, he was wonderful. And I think for me, Valerie and Helen, it was. I mean, I remember I was working
Bernadette: working full time at the time as a school counselor, and I don't really remember I did what I had to do. There were a couple nights Malcolm called me in the middle of the night to come help and whether to stay with the kids or go just get Valerie. And. Yeah, I, I, you know, just maybe was tired the next day at work, but I, I don't really remember it being a major problem. I mean, it was just a huge part of my life, and. And I. I wanted to be there for. For Malcolm and the kids and, you know, the best I could.
Valerie Milburn: Thank you.
Malcolm: Yeah, you did a great job, too, Bernadette.
Bernadette: Thank you.
Valerie Milburn: Thank you both for talking about everything. You know, I mean, I. Listening to you now, I think about. I mean, I've always known this. I mean, I know what all you sacrificed for me, and I. I just, you know, like I say, you guys kept me alive.
Bernadette: So what.
Valerie Milburn: What did sustain you through all of this? I mean, you had each other, but there must have been some things that you did to keep you going. Was it prioritizing sleep or did you ever have time to exercise? Was it reading? Was it some of your friends? You talked about therapy. Malcolm, I know your therapy helped you tremendously. What else. What was it that kept you going?
Bernadette: I. As far as exercise, I do remember. I. Valerie knows I've always walked. I, you know, don't let hardly anything get in the way of that, you know, So I kept that going the best I could. That's always been a big, you know, a big help for me. Like I mentioned earlier, I did have a boyfriend at the time, for a few of the years who was very understanding and supportive of what was going on to some degree. And I do remember being able to talk to him. And it was mainly just wanting to do what I could for Valerie and her family. And that was comforting to me. I wanted to be able to help. And the only way I could do that was to love the kids, care for the kids, be there for Malcolm. And in my own way I felt that was helping Valerie because I knew I couldn't directly help her very much at all at that time and that, that comforted me that I was able to be there for her family, I guess.
Valerie Milburn: And Malcolm, what about you? Relationships, activities, techniques, what. What helped support you?
Malcolm: I don't really remember what I did physically or I'm sure that I continue to read because I read a lot and enjoy it. Just taking care of the kids and they were. Not only is that was that a full time job, but it was, it was also rewarding and I got a lot out of that. Just seeing, seeing them get through this crisis and returning to doing all the things that they used to do and there'd be all sorts of school events that I went to and things like that, either sports or just at school stuff and, and that just having the, the kids was in itself rewarding and helped me keep going forward.
Helen Sneed: So did either one of you reach a point where you had, you know, really bad burnout? I mean, for, I think for most caregivers, it's almost something you need to watch out for, you know, to take care of first if it gets to that point.
Malcolm: Well, yeah, I remember going to my counselor and just expressing to them how what a difficult time I was having and feeling sorry for myself. And he would guide me back to what I was accomplishing in helping Valerie get back home and to have her a part of the family that she had been before she got ill. So, yeah, I highly recommend people find somebody that they can talk to and it doesn't have to be a professional counselor. It can be a good family member that's got their head on their shoulders and that you trust.
Bernadette: There was one point where I did tell Malcolm I needed break and I needed
Bernadette: to walk away. And it was very brief, it was maybe a week. But you know, I just needed to regroup and get myself in a better place. I already said I think that's very important. And if somebody realizes that's going on, you know, if you can do it, Malcolm, you know, couldn't have actually done that, walked away for a week because, you know, he had the kids. But. Or just even if it's a couple of hours, you know, that you need to take some time and do something completely different and not think about what's actually going on. If you need to do it, I think it's helpful and you should.
Helen Sneed: I think that's great advice. I have another question that's I guess a little bit related to this, but as you guys look back on it. What was the biggest surprise and challenge for you as a caregiver? Is there something you can single out that you remember?
Malcolm: The challenge for me was just trying to figure out how to help. It's so new to you and going back to one of your earlier questions, so new to you. You don't really know what to say when you walk around on eggshell sometimes because you don't know what to say, afraid you're going to say the wrong thing and that it's going to.
Bernadette: Work.
Malcolm: In the reverse of your goal of trying to reach out and help. So it is. You just have to trust your instincts. You do the best you can and if sometimes it doesn't work out well, you know you tried and you just keep on trying and you'll get more good out of it than you will negative. So yeah, that's my what I did. Anyway.
Helen Sneed: Bernadette. Do you remember your biggest challenge?
Bernadette: I remember when Valerie started getting better, it was very hard for me to believe that maybe the worst was over. I don't know if that was really a challenge. I mean, it was a good thing. But I do remember it was very hard for me to accept that maybe things are going to be okay. It did take quite a while and I do remember going back to Al Anon at that point, which I don't know if I've Told Valerie that. But I had gone, you know, to some meetings and when things were pretty tough. But I look back and think it was kind of interesting that as, as things were definitely on the upswing and doing better, that I went back because I, I, it was very difficult for me to believe that things were really going to be okay and for me to trust that, you know, it wasn't going to go back to a crisis situation. And the other thing was kind of my role in it at that point. When she started getting better, it was like she doesn't need me in the same way that she did, you know, and I need to back out a little bit and, and I kind of remember talking about that just because I wasn't sure.
Helen Sneed: I think that's
Helen Sneed: really a big point for you to touch on, which is that it's not just the change in the person that has the illness, but the change in the caretaker too, over time and how you ascertain, so what do I do now, that kind of thing. I think that's really, really important. We've kind of touched on this already, but. So your lives were disrupted in so many ways and you know, their professional, social, personal obligations and your routines were disrupted by, by caring for a person with a severe mental, severe mental illness says. And what, what did you sort of miss most from your regular life?
Bernadette: Yeah, I can answer that pretty quickly. I missed having Valerie as my sister and my friend. I mean, she wasn't, you know, she wasn't there for me the way she always had been. And, and, and I missed that. You know, it was hard. We, we had always been very supportive of each other. So that's the first thing I can think of. I miss Valerie. She wasn't who she used to be.
Malcolm: You're certainly right, Bernard. That was, that was hard on my side. I lost all social contact with friends. It was just, they probably just, in fact, I've had a couple of them say, you know, we just didn't realize this was going on. You never told us or, and that was my fault for not trusting them enough at that time and, and just, just wanting to not have social interactions. I just wanted to take care of Valerie and the kids and business wise, I tried to do as much as I could, but it was certainly secondary to what I was, my daily activities. So.
Bernadette: Yeah, I, I remember that too, Malcolm. Just looking back, I wish I had reached out more to friends and even, you know, some family members that I could have. I just felt like everyone's busy, you know, it's, they don't really understand. And they would have if I had reached out and really, you know, said, I need. I need to talk here. So looking back, I wish that I had done that more. And, you know, it's not everyone you can talk to about it, but there were one or two people I could have. I could have leaned on a little bit more than I did.
Malcolm: Yeah, I think it was. It was wrong of me. Even though, you know, 30 years ago and there's a lot of stigma going around, I should have trusted my friends more, and especially some that I have now. That would have been very helpful.
Bernadette: Yeah, and I think that's a good point, Malcolm. I've thought about that, too. Thirty years ago, you know, mental health and substance abuse, I think were looked at very differently than it is now. And I think that's some of the reason why I didn't lean on more people than I should have. I just felt like people don't understand it. They don't want to hear about it. Whereas I hope. I do think that's very different now.
Valerie Milburn: Yeah, I think so, too. So they. Well, Bernadette, we. You know, I call. I call you B. I've been thinking about what you said about not trusting, you know, that I was going to stay better because, you know, with the way it had gone, you know, one step forward and two step back, two steps back. For a long time I was thinking about, you know, how did you both of you know, when you could let go of certain things you had been responsible for in relation to my care and trusting me? When did you know it was okay to let go of certain things like that, that I could begin to handle myself? I mean, you know, it was hard to trust my newfound strengths. And how did you handle that?
Bernadette: I think for me, Valerie, and I think I've said this a few times now, it really was just a matter of time. I don't remember anything specific as, you know, oh, she's okay now. I think it was just time for. For me that I had to see over and over that you were capable and you were able to do this and things were, you know, you were. You were coming through. You were getting a job, you were holding a job, you know, and the kids were great and, you know, and things were okay. And that's all I can think of is I just think it took time for me to convince myself that it really was and to trust,
Bernadette: you know.
Valerie Milburn: And that felt like, for me, that I just had to keep going, to keep going, and that people would trust me eventually. And that same. That seemed fair to me, you know.
Bernadette: And I think that's what trust is. You know, it does take time. I tell students that all the time. You know, you don't gain someone's trust back in overnight. You know, it's. It could take a really long time. And I think it did. I think it did for me and.
Valerie Milburn: For me to trust myself. Malcolm, what about you?
Malcolm: Well, I was very watchful. I was very observant of the way you were interacting with me and the kids. And over time, you came back all the way. And I agree with Bernard. It just took time, but you did it. And, yeah, I think that I was wary. And then you proved that there's nothing for me to worry about, that you're good, and that just took time. I agree with Bernadette on that. That certainly helped.
Valerie Milburn: And, Helen, to use one of your phrases, it was an Old Testament miracle.
Helen Sneed: It was indeed. I am. I'm curious, because this. We're all looking at such a long process for, you know, the three of you, and what were the turning points? You know, were there those moments, large and small, when all of a sudden you had real hope that things were turning around, or.
Malcolm: I think. I don't think it was anything really dramatic, I think, or one particular point. It was just the whole. I mean, the day to day, the week to week, the month to month, that it just. That Valerie just flowed back into our family, with the kids especially, you could just tell that they were so thrilled to have their mother back, and she was so thrilled to be with them. It made all the difference in the world. But it was not a. There's a little bit of anger still on my daughter's part that took a while for her to overcome, and Valerie worked through that. Nowadays they talk just about every day on the phone.
Bernadette: They sure do.
Malcolm: And the kids talked about it, too.
Bernadette: I think the same thing, Helen. I just can't think of one thing that made me feel like things are okay. It's. It was more of a process.
Helen Sneed: Well, it seems like it's interesting because the three of you have both repeatedly mentioned trust, and it seems like that is something that you're saying was fundamental to the process of. Of recovery, of just not just the treatment and the long process, but. But of recovery itself. Is this, again, especially, I think, within a family, is rebuilding trust and maybe trusting in ways you never trusted before.
Valerie Milburn: I think you're right. I really do. I think rebuilding the trust and feeling it is probably one of the foundations of recovery, because knowing that you're trusted again is such a self esteem builder. And until I got the self esteem back, I didn't really feel as though I could love myself enough to move on. And once I felt like my family trusted me, I felt like they, you know, would. Not that they hadn't always been there for me, but it was like, okay, I trust you that we're going to be able to do this together. And we were on a completely different journey at that point. We weren't on a let's maintain journey. It was like let's go fly together journey, you know, so.
Malcolm: Yeah, I know. Yeah, you're right.
Valerie Milburn: You know, one of the main reasons we wanted to do this episode with the two of you together, the caregiver episode, you know, caregivers talk turkey to caregivers is because you have so much to give to others who are in this position.
Bernadette: For a minute.
Valerie Milburn: What, what advice from your own experience, of course, can you give to a caregiver about how to provide children with comfort and understanding in the face of a relative going through one of their relatives going through like what I went through?
Malcolm: Yeah, well, a lot of it depends on the, of course, the age of the age of the children or the age of the people you're trying to help
Malcolm: at that very young age, they wouldn't understand anything. I didn't think about the mental health disease. And so what I tried to do is just give them hope and that you were going to come back. That nobody. That I was going to be there for them, that they had also their aunt B and their grandparents and all this, that there was a whole family behind helping them deal with the loss of their mother for some period of time. But if they're older, I would highly recommend that you, that you tell them as much as you think that they would understand about mental illness, that this was prevalent in our society, that it's a disease, that it's curable. And those, I think being really honest with the, the kids or the person you're trying to help that are family members of the patient to understand what's going on and. Yeah, and talking to the, I don't know about just the children, but the caregivers need to, I believe, talk to the professionals. They need, they need to access into the psychiatric help that your spouse or friend or whatever is getting so that they understand if you have somebody, that they make sure that you have a counselor or you have a psychiatrist that explain it to you so that you can explain it to your children or to your other family members, it Seems.
Helen Sneed: Like you're saying, and I know, Bernard, that this is your career, really, but that for the older children of someone who's ill, that's important for the family members to explain to each other. To teach, I guess, educate would be what it'd be to understand the illness so that it takes some of the, I think, the mystery and the stigma away from it. I think the more understanding, the better, you know, comprehension of what is going on with Valerie, you know, and respecting.
Bernadette: Like Malcolm said, very beginning, the age of the kid, you know, of course, is huge. But, yeah, if it's an older child, not only helping them, you know, get the facts to the degree that they can understand, but the other thing I wanted to add to that was trying to get them connected. If they're receptive to maybe a group of other kids that are going through the same thing. For some kids, that can be very helpful to realize I'm not the only person this is happening to, and that might be without a teen. I'm sure there's lots of other groups out now. A lot of teens are not going to be receptive to that, and if they're not, they're not. But I would continue to encourage it and to offer it, and even at schools, you know, some schools, maybe communities and schools may have groups for something like that with older students, not in the younger. With younger kids. And I. So I think that would be helpful if they're receptive to talking to other kids who might be going through the same thing, or teenagers. But. And the other thing I wanted to add just with the kids, like Malcolm said, yeah, if you need guidance from a professional on how to talk to your kids about it, get it absolutely, you know, in whatever way you can. But as far as, you know, my interaction with the kids, it was. It was, I think, just like we have already said, just being there, letting them know that you hear them, you're listening to them, you love them, and, you know, validate what they're feeling, what they're saying, you know, let them tell you what they're feeling if they're able to. Young kids may not even be able to. I remember, you know, one time one of Valerie's kids said, you don't know what it's like, you know, for your mom to be leaving. And this is when the anger, some of the anger did come up for the older one. And, you know, I said, you're right. I don't. I don't know what that feels like to have your mom doing. Going through this. But I do know what it feels like to have my sister going through it, and it does hurt. And it. It does hurt a lot, doesn't it? You know, and I think just meeting that kid where they are with whatever they're wondering about, you know, and I do remember checking with Malcolm sometimes. They asked very few questions, but if they did bring something up, I always wanted to be on the same page as Malcolm. I wanted to make sure I knew what he had shared with them or what he had not shared. And I think that consistency would be important for people to realize, especially with kids.
Bernadette: Does that make sense?
Valerie Milburn: Oh, yes, absolutely. Yeah.
Bernadette: Yeah. You know, I mean, I. I didn't want to say, talk about something that Malcolm, you know, didn't think they were ready for or hadn't already let them know. So I think that would be important for the caregivers to. To communicate, you know?
Malcolm: I agree. Yeah, you did a good job of doing that, Bert. You did ask me, you know, what do they know about this? And, yeah, we tried to stay on the same page.
Bernadette: I think same page with the kids would be very important at any age level.
Malcolm: And I think that caregivers need to realize that they are doing something really good. They need to pat themselves on the back occasionally and say, hey, you know, it's hard, but this is something that needs to be done and we're helping.
Bernadette: Good point, Malcolm. Excellent point.
Helen Sneed: It's a great point. And it actually leads to our final question for this episode, which is what you've kind of been doing throughout, but what words or strategies or anything would you recommend to bolster someone who is in the same boat today?
Malcolm: You need to have a goal. And for instance, my goal was to get Valerie back home again, and that was my focus. I thought about it every day that she was going through this mental illness. And I mean, literally every day.
Valerie Milburn: I.
Malcolm: Had that goal and that I worked toward it. And you can't imagine how relieved I was when she showed so much progress and was welcomed back into the family again. So I think having a goal is very important.
Bernadette: I think a lot of what we've already talked about, knowing who your support is and what your support is, like I said, looking back, I wish I had reached out a little bit more and leaned on more people than just Malcolm. You know, you may have to really explore who. Who are the people in my life, in my circle, who I can trust and go to with this. You know, you may have to dig deep and really figure that out. You may not have a lot of people, but just even, you know, one really strong person and, and taking care of yourself, I really do think you've got to do what you need to do to be strong so you can care for whoever you're trying to take care of.
Malcolm: It's important that you have the faith in yourself that you're going to succeed, that you're going to help that person out until they recover or at least start functioning much better than they were. You have to have that faith that this is going to work and keep telling yourself that, yeah, they're going to come home.
Helen Sneed: These words with such inspiration and hope bring today's topic to a beautiful close. We're so very grateful to our two caregivers, Bernadette and Malcolm, who brought caregiving to life with their candor and courage. And now Valerie will lead us in a mindfulness exercise, which I think we need today.
Valerie Milburn: Valerie yes, we will close today's episode in our traditional way with the mindfulness exercise. What is mindfulness? I always give a definition. Mindfulness is a mental state achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment while calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations without judgment. Today's mindfulness practice is called Loving Kindness for Ourselves and Others. It is adapted from a meditation by John Cabat Zinn. Love and kindness flowed through the words we have heard throughout today's episode, which I can't even say without tears. So it seems very appropriate for that loving kindness to be our mindfulness focus today. Let's do it. Let's get mindful. Close your eyes if you can. Settle in and breathe as always. Let's begin with a few diaphragmatic breaths. Whether your eyes are open or closed, let's steady our breathing with two diaphragmatic breaths. When you do this on your own, take
Valerie Milburn: as many breaths as you need to become calm and centered. Let's breathe. Inhale through your nose, expanding an imaginary balloon in your stomach. As you inhale. Hold it for a second. Exhale through your mouth, pulling your stomach in as you do. Forcefully exhaling again. Inhale through your nose, expanding that imaginary balloon. Drop your shoulders. Exhale through your mouth. Pull your stomach all the way in. Keep this slow, steady breath going. Bring to mind a person, or maybe a pet you are happy to see and for whom you have deep feelings of love. Visualize this person or pet and notice the feelings you have for them as they arise in your body. It may be a smile that spreads across your face or a feeling of contentment. Whatever it is, visualize your loved one and allow yourself to feel what arises. Now let that visualization slip away and continue the awareness the feelings that have arisen. Offer these feelings of loving kindness you are feeling to yourself by letting these words become your words. May I be safe, may I be happy, may I be healthy, may I live in peace. No matter what I am given, may my heart be filled with love and kindness. Notice the feelings and sensations that arise. Let them be. Now try offering the loving kindness you are feeling to someone who supports you. Bring that supportive person to mind and let these words for that person become your words. May you be safe, may you be happy, may you be healthy, may you live in peace. No matter what you are given. May your heart be filled with love and kindness. Notice the feelings and sensations that arise. Once feelings for a loved one flow easily, turn your attention to someone with whom you have difficulty. Don't start with the most difficult person. Start with someone who brings up slight annoyance or irritation. Now see if you can let these words become your words as you keep this person in awareness. May you be safe, may you be happy, may you be healthy, may you live in peace. No matter what you are given. May your heart be filled with love and kindness. Notice the feelings and sensations that arise and see if you can just allow them and let them be. Now bring to mind the broader community of which you are part. Imagine your family, your colleagues, your neighbors. Fan out your attention until you include yourself in this offer of loving kindness. And let these words become your words for your broader community. May we be safe, may we be happy, may we be healthy. May we live in peace. No matter what we are given. May our hearts be filled with love and kindness. Notice the sensations and feelings that arise within you. Sit with them for a moment. Soak in these feelings of love and kindness.
Valerie Milburn: If your eyes are closed, please open them and gently bring yourself back to the room. Thank you for doing this mindfulness exercise with me.
Helen Sneed: Well, thank you, Valerie. And I realize that I have not taken the opportunity to thank you for these first two episodes in our family series. I am astonished by your ability to share two of the most important people in your life and also yourself with us and with our listeners to such good purpose. It's extremely generous and extremely kind and I hope that your heart is very full today. I also want to express again our gratitude to Bernadette Malcolm and of course to you, our listeners worldwide, as we wrap up this episode. The holidays are all around us for many days to come for individuals with a mental health condition. This time of year is emotionally charged due to the pressures of the holidays and the end of the year. So it's easy for some to become stressed out, depressed, anxious, exhausted. And for others, the joys of the season also can create the need for emotional downtime. So Valerie and I think it's the perfect gift to offer you and all our listeners a full episode of mindfulness exercises from the past year. Regardless of your holiday feelings, please use our gift of mindfulness with all of our best wishes to you and your loved ones. And for now, I leave you with our favorite word. Onward.