Grasping for Gratitude in a Mental Health Crisis

Grasping for Gratitude in a Mental Health Crisis

Episode 30

Helen Sneed: Welcome to Mental Health Hope and Recovery. I'm Helen Sneed.

Valerie Milburn: And I'm Valerie Milburn.

Helen Sneed: We both have fought and overcome severe chronic mental illnesses. Our podcast offers a unique approach to mental health conditions. We use practical skills and inspirational stories of recovery. Our knowledge is up close and personal.

Valerie Milburn: Helen and I are your peers. We're not doctors, therapists or social workers. We're not professionals, but we are experts. We are experts in our own lived experience with multiple mental health diagnoses and symptoms. Please join us on our journey.

Helen Sneed: We live in recovery.

Valerie Milburn: So can you this podcast does not provide medical advice. The information presented is not intended to be a substitute for or relied upon as medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. The podcast is for informational purposes only. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health providers with any health related questions you may have.

Helen Sneed: Welcome to episode 30, grasping for gratitude in a Mental Health Crisis Gratitude this seemingly simple subject matter has been full of surprises for us. Valerie and I are delighted that you could join us today on what will be an illuminating journey. So what is gratitude? We want to start with a couple of definitions. Harvard Health of the Harvard Medical School said the word gratitude is derived from the Latin gratia, which means grace, graciousness, or gratefulness. Gratitude is a thankful appreciation for what an individual receives, whether tangible or intangible. With gratitude, people acknowledge the goodness in their lives, and in the process, people usually recognize that the source of goodness lies at least partially outside themselves. And as a result, being grateful also helps people connect to something larger than themselves, whether to other people, nature, or a higher power. And then there's a definition from Forbes Health, which is part of Forbes Magazine. Gratitude is defined as a disposition or characteristic that allows an individual to perceive and appreciate the positive and meaningful aspects of life. Well, Valerie, we've compared the presence of gratitude in our own two journeys. And in many ways, we took different routes along the way. I mean, sometimes radically different, you know, getting, I hope, to the same point. So I hope that you'll share your story with us now. There is so much to learn about this.

Valerie Milburn: I'll be happy to share my story. And yes, we did take different routes, but we have both landed in a place where we have learned to reach gratitude and to stay there in many ways. So I'll talk about how I got there. And you gave some great definitions of gratitude. And another one is a readiness to show appreciation for kindness and to return kindness. I wish I had known that definition of gratitude during my mental health crisis, because when I was too depressed and hopeless to even be thankful for my own life, I did, however, recognize and appreciate the many acts of kindness by my family and by my friends, those friends and family who stuck by me and cared for me and loved me. And even if I

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Valerie Milburn: was only able to return their kindness by saying thank you, I still showed and felt gratitude at some level. I mean, maybe I could have recognized that I was still participating at some level in relationships, and, you know, maybe I wouldn't have just continued to feel so isolated in my pain. I. I would have, you know, known I was connecting at some level. An early experience of connecting with something outside of myself, which, as you just mentioned, is a necessary component of gratitud, is one I look back on during one of my stays at a psychiatric hospital, and I'm really thankful for the slow path they led me on toward gratitude. We went on what were called mindfulness walks, where no one mentioned gratitude. They had us just connect with something. And I still remember sitting down during one of these walks in the courtyard of the hospital, and there were a lot of trees surrounding the courtyard. And I sat down and just looked at a tree. And no one said, see how. Look at how beautiful the tree is. Look at the beautiful leaves blowing in the wind. The instructions were, just look at it. And I remember looking at it and thinking, you know, it's there. It's green. I was just looking at it. But I did feel a connection to nature at that point, something I had not felt in a long time. I didn't feel connected to anything. And that was a first step towards gratitude. And then something that still surprises me is how deeply grateful I became after I attempted suicide. I was grateful I had survived. But a talk with a Nurse at the psychiatric unit where I was hospitalized after I attempted suicide made me grateful at a deeper, deeper level. One night in the hospital, the nurse came up to me and said, valerie, come with me. And I did. I followed her. She took me down to another beautiful courtyard in the hospital. This was a different hospital, but I had not been there before. I could only go there with an escort, nurse or staff member. And she told me that her mother had died by suicide. And we had a. A long talk. I realized through her discussion with me the amount of pain I had almost caused my children. And I realized at that point that I would never attempt suicide again. I. I dealt with suicidal ideation, the thought of suicide for a long time, but I knew I would never attempt it. And there was also something that wonderful nurse did. She gave me a book called Spirit Song, the introduction of no Eyes. And no Eyes was a wise Native American woman who wrote this book, Spirit Song, at the end of, near the end of her life. And she had died by suicide in a previous life and came back in this next life with the pain of that act at her core. And she had lived with the pain of that act her entire life. Another reason I knew I would never attempt suicide again. Now at this point in my life, I was at a very dark place. I had hit a bottom. I was grasping for anything, anything to be grateful for, no matter how small the success. And the first thing I was grateful for was a place to go when I left the hospital because my husband had said I couldn't come home. He wasn't abandoning me. I've talked about this on, you know, previous episodes. He was protecting himself and our children. And I had to go somewhere else. And I found a sober house. And I was so grateful that I found a place to live because I literally didn't know what I was going to do or where I was going to go. I was also grateful 30 days into my stay at that sober house that I was finally allowed to see my husband and my children because for the first 30 days I couldn't have any contact with my family. Now here's a gratitude story at this point. I had been out of work for 18 months and the insurance I was able to get when I lost my job only lasted 18 months. And this was, this happened, this was going on right around my suicide attempt. So I had to go back to work. And my psychiatrist supported the fact that I needed to go back to work. Well, I had been through the first two of three interviews required for a part time

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Valerie Milburn: job, a Punch the clock job that I felt I could handle and would enjoy. Well, they called me back for my third interview while I was in the psychiatric hospital after my suicide attempt.

Helen Sneed: Oh, my gosh.

Valerie Milburn: Yeah. And Helen, I went on that interview on an outpatient pass. My dad brought me the clothes for the interview, drove me to the interview, waited for me while I interviewed, and took me back to the hospital. And you know what? I got the job. I got the job. And you talk about being overwhelmed with gratitude and everything associated with that job. I started it a few weeks later while I was living in the sober house. And again, I celebrated each small success with a prayer of gratitude. I took nothing for granted. I was grateful when I actually got out of bed that first morning and showered and made it to my first day of work. I was grateful for every milestone that allowed me to keep that job because it was a tough, tough time. I was also grateful for any amount of sobriety at this point as I was struggling to stay sober. I was grateful for the encouragement people gave me as I kept trying after my reoccurrences of my drinking. And I was grateful that I recognized that my reoccurrences were getting shorter and further apart. And I recognized that I had the desire to stop drinking, because the desire to stop drinking, even if you're struggling, the desire to stop drinking is the only requirement for membership and Alcoholics Anonymous. And I was loved into sobriety by that fellowship. So once. So once into sobriety, some early things really brought gratitude home for me. I picked up an early chip, probably 60 to 90 days. And when I picked it up, I said I was proud of myself. And a guy came up to me after the meeting, and he said, you be grateful. We'll be proud of you. And I learned the difference between pride and gratitude. And that was huge because my pride has caused me lots of problems over the years. But living the 12 steps has helped me immensely. Other things in early sobriety, my sponsor gave me some, well, a lot of gratitude assignments. And I remember one was making A to A to Z gratitude list. And that was really silly and fun, and I had to stretch for that X gratitude. I. And then, you know, just a couple of years ago, I. I realized, well, more than a couple years ago, because I've been sober at this for a while. But I knew gratitude was ingrained in me when one day I was rear ended by an uninsured, unlicensed driver. And as I pulled away from that accident, I actually thought, thank goodness no one was hurt. I Mean, in the past, I would have been furious over this incident, but I was literally stunned by that thought, you know, but that's not saying I'm always grateful. I mean, that's not realistic. I still go to dark thoughts or anger or resentment, but I don't stay there long. I pull myself out by listing the things I'm grateful for, even if I don't feel them in the moment. And I have to start with the basics to shift from that dark place. And it's a rote gratitude in the beginning when I'm in that dark place. But I always start with the things that are the foundation of my life, that I'm always grateful for. And those things I don't have to grasp for, grasp for, or even think about, no matter how dark a place I'm in. And I have my four go tos. These four are, I'm alive. I have a connection with my higher power. I live in recovery, and I have my family. I can go on from there with just the basics like food, shelter, clothing. And then my thoughts shift, my dark mood begins to lift, my heart expands, and I find I am indeed truly grateful for so many things. I have to wrap up with what I am most grateful for. My family relationships. All of my family, My husband of 39 years, my children and their spouses, my grandchildren, my siblings, nieces, nephews, cousins. But there was a long road of reconstruction ahead for the relationships with my husband and children as I began my journey to recovery. This reconstruction began as I got sober and thus my mental health stabilized. My psychiatric medication was able to work effectively without drugs and alcohol in my system. And I was able

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Valerie Milburn: to take healthy actions toward recovery. As I began to live in recovery, the thing I am most grateful for began to happen. My relationships with my family began to heal. You know, my adolescent daughter was barely speaking to me after the years of pain she had been through with my crisis. My son, who was a bit younger, was just confused. And my husband and I were exhausted by the emotional roller coaster ride we had been on. But with my stability and my returned ability to mother my children and be a partner in my marriage, our relationships repaired and then strengthened over the years because of what we had been through. Yeah, my family and I suffered together, but we healed together. And our relationships are richer, stronger, deeper, closer because of the adversity we conquered. And for this, my gratitude is overwhelming.

Helen Sneed: Oh, thank you, Valerie. I. I'm so grateful. I think on behalf of anyone who's listening, to hear not only about your journey, but there's something about the quality of your relationship with gratitude that, that really sticks with me, impresses me and how powerful it is in your life every day, you know, in, in this phase of your life. And, and so thank you. It's. I needed to hear that.

Valerie Milburn: Well, thank you. It's been a journey, like I said, and I know you have a very different type of journey with gratitude and I am really looking forward to hear you tell your story as well about how you have had a relationship with gratitude.

Helen Sneed: Well, it's been an interesting, an interesting time and I guess in my early years it was hard to overstate the importance of thank you notes. A well written thank you note was a necessity for social survival and personal conduct of the highest realm. And I was competitive and a fledgling writer. And my thank you notes became so eloquent that I received thank you notes for my thank you notes and I was given reams of stiff, beautiful Crane stationary with my name engraved at the top. I mean, I was in business today. I guess I should call my story a thank you note to gratitude. And from gratitude, from childhood, gratitude was engraved on my synapses. I mean, to be ungrateful was an unspeakable crime. And few things were worse than being an ingrate. I mean, gratitude was just part of who I was. You know, for family, friends, pet, school, Christmas, birthdays, I was thankful for them all. But I was not grateful for myself. I hated who I was. And how could I be thankful when I was so terrible? So gratitude became a chore that made me feel kind of sick inside. I mean, you see, I had been given so much and yet I was so undeserving. And even as a child, I knew this in my very bones. My. My gratitude was never pure. It was tainted by guilt or grief, anger, loneliness. My lack of worthiness meant that it was only a matter of time until everything good was taken away from me when they learned how repulsive I really was. So yes, I was grateful. But I didn't trust it for a minute. I didn't trust anything actually. Well, you have to give me credit for trying. I learned to lead and live a double life. And I kept the self hatred and fear inside me for many years. And as I've reported in other episodes, it all caught up with me in early adulthood. And I hit the wall. I became so mentally ill I stopped functioning and disappeared from the world into self loathing and suffering. But what happened to my relationship with gratitude? Well, it had disintegrated along with the rest of me. Whenever someone you know, a doctor or group leader or fellow patient or friend or whatever would tell me that I should be grateful. I was furious inside. I never showed it. Grateful for what? I'd lost everything. I'd not use my abilities or the advantages of a lifetime. I didn't think people respected me. They pitied me. At best, I could not accept my condition or my place in the universe. The losses were countless. Grateful for what? Well,

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Helen Sneed: I was still capable of intellectual gratitude. I mean, you know, the thought of it. But it was a source of unceasing pain and anger. It was impossible to feel grateful for myself. And that, for me, is the point. I mean, if you can't be grateful for who you are and what you do and what you know, then all the gratitude in the world does not promote healing. I mean, someone would ask me, aren't you just grateful for being alive? Well, no, I wanted to be dead. I hated myself because I hadn't succeeded at killing myself. Not yet. And as I look back, I realized that I was an expert on the obstacles to gratitude and the inability to practice it productively. I mean, there were so many obstacles in my path. Self hatred, guilt, isolation, the grief and immeasurable loss. And again, this horrible inability to reciprocate acts of kindness. I was just too weak to give back to the world or even one person. I was trapped in hopelessness for more years than I care to recount. What changed? I changed treatment teams. And my new psychiatrist prescribed a new medication. I scoffed inwardly when he told me that if it were going to work, it would work within days, right? So I took this stuff with no hope. But three days later, I was walking past Macy's in Herald Square in New York, and I. I noticed that the sun was shining. Was such a small thing, but it made me smile. And suddenly, there in the middle of 34th Street, I stopped dead in my tracks, for I realized I was feeling better. It was like an Old Testament miracle, this conscious awareness that I wasn't in pain. Just a slight lift in my mood. And I don't remember how long the feeling lasted, but it was long enough to turn me toward gratitude for my doctor and for a pill. It was my own Miracle on 34th Street. But don't think it happened quickly. And it wasn't just about, you know, a new doctor and a pill, obviously. But my recovery was hard won over years. But it did begin with that medication that provided me with the first chance to manage the uncontrollable feelings and emotions that had driven me all my days. And slowly I began to make progress in therapy and in my life. And my life changed through feeling better, friends, action, DBT skills, work in recognition, living in the moment, healthy habits, love, reciprocation, and the ability to give back. I became stronger and able to control my punitive thoughts. I somehow built a better brain through more positive thinking and positive action. And for these things, I was exceedingly grateful. And I came to see that the small things are often the biggest and bring the most happiness in daily living.

Valerie Milburn: You know, Helen, I love that you pointed out first, I love that you did it, but that you pointed out that, you know, medication is often the first thing that gives us a boost. But then there's so much work that's required to make the true steps toward recovery. I mean, look what you did. DBT skills, all the work, the healthy living, the opening to other people through love, the giving back to others, you know, I mean, all the work, the therapy, the action, you know, like you say so many times, action is everything. And I just love that we know these things and that you pointed them out, and it's. I love that you did the work and that we see that it takes both.

Helen Sneed: Yes, it really does. And again, it's, it's not as simplistic as, you know, as a pill or anything like that, but it was something that, you know, you just, sometimes you need just a tiny break.

Valerie Milburn: Yeah.

Helen Sneed: And that, that was one of a tiny break that I got and was able to use to get to the other stuff, so.

Valerie Milburn: Exactly.

Helen Sneed: I'm just very grateful. And again, this whole thing of, for the first time in my life, seeing that it's the small things that generally matter most and, and bring the most happiness. I had always liked, looked at big things, you know, but now I was, I was focused on something different.

Valerie Milburn: Right.

Helen Sneed: But I have to say that despite all this progress and, and changing again, my, my thinking and building this different kind of brain, it's not perfect. My great hero, Judith Herman, wrote the classic book Trauma and Recovery. Now I've read it three times, I recommend it to everybody, and yet I still balk at a point she makes

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Helen Sneed: about recovery. Herman suggests that some people are even grateful for all they've suffered because it has led to where they live in recovery today. Well, not me. My gratitude will never reach that far. You see, I want my years back. Now I won't get them. And this is where acceptance makes gratitude possible. And I found a quote that helps me explain how I can see the negative and still choose the positive. Alphonse Carr said. Some people grumble that roses have thorns. I am grateful that thorns have roses. So, so much of my productive life was lost. But I have done one thing right. I am blessed with so many people in my life that I can't keep up with them all. And this, then, is my deepest and most enduring cause for gratitude. My people, who have given me so much and who now allow me the luxury of giving back. For me, the ease of old relationships and the promise of new ones will keep me grateful for the rest of my days.

Valerie Milburn: What a great way to wrap up your journey because you are so important to so many people. And you're right, relationships are so much the key for gratitude. And thank you so much for sharing your relationship and journey with gratitude. And I love your quote. Some people grumble that roses have thorns. I am grateful that thorns have roses because that really does describe you in so many ways because you've got such a great sense of humor about life. And that's a, in many ways a very funny quote that you can look at it both ways all the time. And you, you do look at life in such a fun and in such a fun way.

Helen Sneed: Well, I try to, when it's. When it's fun.

Valerie Milburn: So some of the time, yeah, you've got a great sense of humor. And I know that one of the things you did that was very serious for this episode was the research you did for the scientific aspect of gratitude. And we were both very pleasantly surprised by the results that you came up with just amazing scientific backing of the importance of gratitude.

Helen Sneed: Yes, it is. I don't know why I just found it so thrilling, for want of a better word, because it seems like such a simple thing, and yet, as we try to talk about for a bit, it has this very, very strong impact. At the beginning, I gave the official definitions from Harvard and Forbes that certainly make gratitude sound more timely than thank you notes on your best stationery. Right. It is an actual field of study, and the undeniable positive impact of gratitude on mental health can be profound. So here are the results of a famous study by Dr. Robert Eamons of UC Davis, a real pioneer in the field of gratitude, and Dr. Michael McCullough, University of Miami, also an expert. Now, they broke up their subjects into three groups. The first group was told to write about things they were grateful for. The second group was told to write about irritations and the negative. And the third were told to write with no emphasis whatsoever. Now, after 10 weeks, those who wrote with gratitude were more optimistic, much more optimistic, and felt better about their lives. It even affected their physical well being. They exercised more and had fewer visits to physicians.

Valerie Milburn: So after just 10 weeks of writing about things they were grateful for, this group of research subjects were more optimistic, felt better about their lives and were also more physically active and had fewer visits to the physicians. That's the result of that study. That's amazing.

Helen Sneed: Yes, it really is. Now this other study of 411 people by Dr. Martin Seligman of the University of Pennsylvania also shows this dramatic impact. So these 400 people, they were given various assignments and one was to write a letter of thanks to someone in his or her life for their kindness. And after they had written their letters, just written them, the participants immediately exhibit a huge increase in happiness scores.

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Helen Sneed: The impact was greater than any other intervention or exercise that they did. And the benefits lasted for a full month.

Valerie Milburn: That's amazing. That's wonderful. I love it.

Helen Sneed: Yeah. Now there's more. Nami, the national alliance on Mental Illness reports on a large study conducted by Virginia Commonwealth University. And it also just has just an embarrassment of riches. It showed that thankfulness predicted a significantly lower risk of major depression, generalized anxiety disorder, phobia, nicotine and alcohol dependence and drug abuse. So I think one thing that's that surprised both of us, Valerie, is that we can now see the tangible impact that gratitude has on the brain and its ability to help rewire one's thinking. Science and medicine are proving the importance of gratefulness through these groundbreaking research and techniques. Now Psychology Today published a far reaching study called Neuroscience explains why gratitude can be so good for Us by Najma Karami and here are the major findings. Number one, gratitude decreases the heart rate via the nervous system. Results suggest that gratitude intervention modulates heart and rhythms in a way that enhances mental health. Researchers specifically looked into the different heart rates rate effects between people with gratitude versus people with resentments. Now, second is also a very exciting thing. Gratitude strengthens the emotion related activity of the brain because it strengthens the ability to regulate emotions. The great, great goal for so many of us. Gratitude intervention was observed via functional magnetic resonance imaging, that's FMRI to observe the impact the activity of the brain and the amygdala which processes emotions and memory seems to be positively impacted. Now gratitude, the number three goes even further. It enhances the motivation related activity of the brain. What actually makes you get up and go. And if practice regularly, it can enhance motivation as well through na, that is nucleus accumbens, which are responsible for the cognitive processing of motivation. Its activity may be affected in individuals with major depression, which is something they're looking at when engaging in regular gratitude practice. The NA in the brain may very well be positively impacted. So as Khurami points out, the ability for regular gratitude practice to positively impact the brain and body is increasingly clear from a scientific viewpoint. At Sierra Discover top workout gear at incredible prices which might lead to another discovery. Your headphones haven't been connected this whole time?

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Helen Sneed: So with all of this under our belt, where are we today with science and gratitude? You know what has been proved and so Psychology Today published an Excellent article. 7 Scientifically Proven Benefits of Gratitude by Amy Marin all right, here we go. Gratitude opens the door to more relationship Gratitude improves physical health. Gratitude improves psychological health. It reduces a multitude of toxic emotions through the ability to choose to exchange negative emotions

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Helen Sneed: for the positive. Gratitude enhances empathy and reduces aggression. Grateful people sleep better. Gratitude improves self esteem and gratitude increases mental strength, not only reduces stress, but it may also play a major role in overcoming trauma because it fosters resilience. Again, something that we all are hoping for. So what does this say about gratitude and recovery? Well, all of this goes to show that we cannot take gratitude for granted or look on it as a merely an offshoot of polite society. Gratitude is a legitimate means to recovery. The consistent practice of gratefulness can rewire the brain for positive thinking and happiness. Having gratitude trains your brain to see the positive in almost every situation. And as the psychiatric field is discovering, gratitude has lasting effects on the brain and the capacity for recovery and a life worth living. And here are the brilliant words of brother David Steindl it's not happiness that brings us gratitude, it's gratitude that brings us happiness. Now I Don't know about you, but I've had that backwards for most of my life, and this really pulled me up short. So the, the benefits of gratitude for mental health are undeniable. I hope that some of this has given you an idea of, of how far they've come in proving it. But for me, the, the difficulty is learning to practice gratitude. It can be really challenging. And again, you kind of go, where do I start? What do I do? And so, Valerie, what can a person do?

Valerie Milburn: Well, there are indeed skills and methods that will support gratitude, and they're effective for treatment for ourselves, to treat ourselves toward our recovery and in all areas of our lives. So we titled this episode Grasping for Gratitude in a Mental Health Crisis. Because, Helen, you and I don't see the difficulty of finding gratitude discussed very often in, you know, articles or websites, podcast. So we wanted to talk about the fact that it can be very difficult when in a crisis. And I thus I thought I'd start with the strategies, skills and methods for fostering and supporting gratitude that are simple and basic, the types of things I could have done at the lowest of my lows if I had known about them. And some of these I was fortunate enough to learn. And, you know, I did indeed move in a somewhat linear fashion up the gratitude grasping ladder. But the first one is just connecting with our environment, because that is, as I said on that walk in the psychiatric hospital I talked about, just connecting with our environment is an act of gratitude. And we can do it with no judgment, because as we've said, just connecting with something outside of ourselves is an act of gratitude. The second one is acknowledge kindness and respect reciprocate. Even if, as I said earlier, thank you is enough as a way to reciprocate. But we can do more than that. Most of the time. We can affirm the good things we've received and we can then expand. Sometimes we can acknowledge the role other people play in providing our lives with goodness. For example, I tried to make eye contact in the grocery store or in the coffee shop. You know, when my instinct says to say thanks, I can stop for a moment and take note of what I'm saying. Thank you for. I will try to read a name tag and say, hey, Lisa, how are you today? Thanks for bagging my groceries. Or say, you know, hey, David, thanks for making that latte. And sometimes I'll say, I can make them at home, but it's so much trouble. I really appreciate you doing it. And it gets a laugh. These little things are not little. These little Moments between people are not little saying, thank you. Holding the door for someone, these, these moments can change the tone of my whole day. That connection with someone who really appreciates the door being held for them.

Helen Sneed: Yeah, that I think what you brought up is, is really incredibly important because someone said, I think it was Robert Frost said, that manners are little morals, you know, And I think it's the deliberate

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Helen Sneed: choice to treat people well. And so if I'm. It's just what you're talking about, just a small exchange. And if I can, I want to make the person feel better about themselves. And so, you know, if it's, I'm sitting there and, you know, chatting with someone as I, you know, I buy some Q tips or something, who knows, you know, I'll say, oh, I love your earrings. I mean, why not, right? You know what I mean? Why not be kind or why not go out of your way to just. It's not even that hard to try to make someone feel, feel good within the moment. So I think that this is a terribly. In this kind of connection in life and also it invariably makes me feel better, right. And when I first started getting better, when I was first so going back out into the world again, these were some of the relationships that meant the most to me. Do you know what I mean? The person in my deli, the person at the coffee shop, whatever, that I saw consistently and was able to just have a human interchange with, it meant so much.

Valerie Milburn: And I know how important those relationships are to you because I picked up a coffee for you the other day on my way to your house and I ordered it and I gave them your rather intricate order. And the guy behind the barista said, Is this for Ms. Helen? Yes. Obviously, Helen, you are great friends with your guy, your people at the coffee shop, but, you know, I was thinking about somebody, you know, how we can really connect with someone just by chatting. I was in the line getting a prescription the other day and the woman behind me said, oh, I love your hair. It's such a beautiful color of gray. Yes, I have gray hair. Go on our website, you can see that. and I looked at her and I said, your hair is a beautiful gray. And she said, really? And I kind of looked at her. She said, well, you know, it's just grown back from my chemo and I'm not real comfortable with how it looks. So that's really nice to hear. You know, I mean, that's a real powerful little chit chat going on in the prescription. So you never know what's what's going to be the impact of telling somebody you like their hair. So anyway, you're right, it's an important part of life just to connect with those in the world around us. So another skill is to keep a gratitude journal. Journaling is so powerful. My grand sponsor called journaling head to heart to hand. And one of the ways to keep a gratical a gratitude journal is just to establish a daily practice where you where we can remind ourselves of the gifts, the grace, the benefits, the good things we enjoy. You can think of it as a one good thing that happened today is one way to look at a gratitude journal. Because recalling these moments of gratitude that we associate with our ordinary events or the people you value in your life gives us the opportunity to weave gratefulness into our whole life. Another thing that Helen, you talked about a minute ago in that study is to write a thank you note to someone who has done you a kindness. And we don't even have to mail it because the research study showed that just writing the letter brought all those benefits. So write a thank you note, mail it, give it to the person if you want to write a thank you note is a wonderful way to foster gratitude. Another one is come to your senses. Literally, our senses, touch, sight, smell, taste. Because when we gain an appreciation of what our human body can do, we see what an incredible miracle it is just to be alive, that we can do this. We can see, we can smell, we can taste, we can touch, we can hear. And when seen through a lens of gratitude, we can see that what we have is such a gift. And the things we can see and smell and taste and touch are absolutely wonderful things to be grateful for. And then speaking of writing, one of the really good things, and Helen, you do this is have a list of what you're grateful for to look at when you can't think of anything to be grateful for. And keep this list somewhere where you can see it easily in case it's a time when you are pretty sure gratitude would be a helpful thing. And you can't think of anything to be grateful for. You've got a list. Another thing is to make an agreement with yourself and write it down to practice gratitude, literally a written agreement somewhere that you see on a daily basis. And it can be something as simple as writing down, I commit to count my blessings each day and post it somewhere that you're going to see. And the

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Valerie Milburn: last one I want to talk about for a minute is acknowledging the struggle. And this can be tricky because sometimes it's hard to go back and think about how tough things were. But sometimes to be grateful in our current state, it is helpful to remember the hard times that we once experienced. Because when I remember how difficult life used to be and how far I've come, I set up an explicit contrast. And this contrast is fertile ground for my gratefulness.

Helen Sneed: Well, these are all great suggestions and I'm sorry to say that that that now we're going to bring our topic to a close. But I have to say, Valerie, that what better way than to have examined the skills and techniques that help foster gratitude. I would have to say that gratitude affects the quality of my daily life in so many ways I couldn't count them. I mean, for me, grasping for gratitude was a years long struggle that became a turning point in my mental health crisis and one of the cornerstones of living in recovery. Today I want to tell you what what Melody Beatty said. She said gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. And now I'm going to move us into something for which we are grateful every episode. And that is that Valerie is going to lead us in a mindfulness exercise.

Valerie Milburn: Yes, we will close with our traditional mindfulness exercise. And what is mindfulness? I always give a definition. Mindfulness is a mental state achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment while calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts and bodily sensations without judgment. Our mindfulness exercise today will be. What do you think about expressing gratitude for the little things in life? The day to day gifts that often go unnoticed? Because as we said earlier, the little things are not little. So let's get mindful. We will begin, as always, with our diaphragmatic breathing. We'll take just two diaphragmatic breaths. I usually take about 10 to start my meditation and mindfulness practice. If you are driving or walking, please adapt this mindfulness exercise in such a way that it works in your current surroundings. If you can find a comfortable seated.

Valerie Milburn: Position, try closing your eyes. If it's safe to do so, let's breathe. Inhale through your nose, expanding an imaginary balloon in your stomach. Hold your breath. Exhale through your mouth, pulling your stomach in as you do so. Take another inhale through your nose, expanding that imaginary balloon. Hold your breath. Exhale through your mouth, pulling your stomach all the way in. Wrap your shoulders. Continue this deep, regular breathing. Shift your awareness from your breath to your body. Feel the floor beneath you, the seat you are sitting on.

Valerie Milburn: Or the ground.

Valerie Milburn: As your feet touch down as you walk. Now, think about the room or the space that you are in. Begin to take notice of the little things around you that you might take for granted as you go about your busy day. Now notice the sounds in this room or the space you're in. Perhaps you hear a ticking clock, the hum of the air conditioning, the murmur of voices, or the honking

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Valerie Milburn: of a horn. Rather than thinking of these sounds as noises or distractions, lend some appreciation to them. Just listen, be present. Breathe deeply now and see what you can smell. Go deep, uncovering scents that you may not realize exist here. Inhaling through your nose to pick up on the subtle aromas. Perhaps you smell something cooking, or you can smell the plants, or you may notice other scents drifting by. Just breathe, explore and appreciate this moment of mindfulness. Now extend your awareness outside of your immediate surroundings. If you're at home, think about your entire home and everything in it. Bring to mind the things that you use every day. Alarm clocks, refrigerators, sinks, closets, clothes. Think about going through a normal day, moving more slowly, going through it more mindfully. If you're outside, think of the sky above, the sun that sustains us, the trees that offer you shade. Appreciate every aspect of your daily experience. Commit to mindfully walking through your life and making an effort to notice more, feel more, and see more. This is your life.

Valerie Milburn: You are here.

Valerie Milburn: Strive for gratitude. If your eyes are closed, please open them and gently bring yourself back to the room.

Valerie Milburn: Thank you for doing this mindfulness exercise with me.

Helen Sneed: Thank you, Valerie. That was wonderful as always. And you know, I. I just want to tell you that I am so grateful to have you in my life and I don't say it enough, and I think that this is the perfect day to say it. Oh, and also, I mean it.

Valerie Milburn: Thank you.

Helen Sneed: And I also want. We also want to say thank you to our listeners. We are overcome with gratitude to have you as part of our widening audience. We created this podcast for you and are deeply thankful to have your presence and your support. And please visit our newly launched website, mental healthhopeandrecovery.com Send us a message. We would love to hear from you. Any questions or comments or insights, that's mental healthhopeandrecovery.com now, in our next episode, Valerie and I are facing down what Winston Churchill called the Black dog. Or as Abraham Lincoln put it, if there is a place worse than h***, I am in it. They were referring to depression, of course. The World Health Organization ranks depression as the single largest contributor to global disability worldwide. We encourage you to join us as we investigate depression, its impact and treatment methods for recovery from its powerful grip. Until then, I leave you with our favorite word. Onward.