Loneliness: The New American Epidemic

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[00:00:26] used by the world's leading brands. I'm Valerie Milburn. We both have fought and overcome severe chronic mental illnesses. Our podcast offers a unique approach to mental health conditions. We use practical skills and inspirational true stories of recovery. Our knowledge is up close and personal.

[00:01:42] Helen and I are your peers.

[00:01:44] We're not doctors, therapists, or social workers. The Surgeon General has declared loneliness a national epidemic. Well, we are extremely interested in loneliness due to its close relationship to mental illnesses, due to its severe consequences for someone battling mental health challenges. Loneliness can be lethal.

[00:03:01] I had no idea of the severity of it or its incredible impact, talking about today. You know that old trees just grow stronger and old rivers grow wilder every day. Old people just grow lonesome waiting for someone to a light bulb moment for Dr. Murthy, a moment that made him realize that social disconnection is far more common than he realized, that many of us didn't realize. So in May

[00:05:42] of 2023, he issued a surgeon The advisory went on to say that disconnection, social disconnection, fundamentally affects not just the physical aspect I just talked about, but it affects our mental and societal health as well. And like we said, the mental

[00:07:01] health aspect is, of course, of particular interest to relieve loneliness and isolation. But I wanted to look ahead to those solutions we're going to share and end this summary with those beautiful examples of forging human connection.

[00:08:21] Well, I think it's something that we need to bear in mind today as we look at the extreme

[00:08:26] impact of loneliness. sorrow, as one person said, we trauma dumped on Elmo. The great majority were adults, so isolated that they revealed themselves to a puppet on a children's show. The creators of Sesame Street were astonished by the outpouring and the role of loneliness in my life, I found myself asking, was I a lonely child? I had to take a serious look at this because I'm the fifth of six children.

[00:11:03] So I thought, how lonely could I have been? I mean, I people in the house, it could have gotten lost or torn or whatever. And I would go in his room, my parents' room, and find that magazine and get in the little space between the side of his bed and the wall and hide in Read Time magazine. I loved it too.

[00:12:21] So I spent a lot of time alone out on the swing set as I got older, two and three hour

[00:12:25] bike rides. say that imaginary friends are a sign of mental health issues because research doesn't bear that out. But research suggests that imaginary friends may be a buffer to those who have had trauma, stress, or loneliness, and I did have early childhood trauma. So I guess that that may have been a coping mechanism for me, and I think, well, good for survived, I know now the impact that trauma had on me that led to that isolation and that sense of loneliness. But to keep going, by the time I got to high school, I was deep into drugs and alcohol and boys. I also know now, after much treatment, that I was looking for the right kind of relationship

[00:15:05] with boys, what I then thought was right. picked a good one, but let me give you an example of those negative comparisons I sometimes make. Much of my family and many of my friends like to talk about politics and are well-informed in this arena. I don't like to talk about politics and I'm not well-informed and I won't go into why, but because I'm not informed and can't intelligently participate in these

[00:16:21] situations, I let myself feel inferior. I begin to feel this internal struggle, and I isolated often. I built myself a cage. It was my corner of the bedroom. It was my refuge and my cage. It was me, my words, loneliness is an internal feeling, whereas isolation is more a physical place apart from other people. Now here are two others. Solitude, the state or situation of being alone or remote

[00:19:01] from society, and belonging, a feeling of your friend size, the size of your friend circle, and whether you're married or have a partner. So that's the structure. And then the function of your social connection is like, how can you rely on these people

[00:20:25] in your connections for your needs? Social connection is dynamic, it changes over time, and it can be improved or compromised by a myriad of reasons, such as illness, moving, a job transition, and just countless other life events. They can all move us along the continuum of social connection. I think a major question for both of us has been, so what is causing this epidemic of

[00:21:46] loneliness? impact of abuse or trauma or a crisis of physical illness and physical pain, grief, the pressures of survival in an exacting world. These are just some of the internal causes of loneliness in an individual. An extremely dark or negative belief system can also provoke loneliness, especially if

[00:23:01] the individual believes that loneliness is an a state of fear for survival,

[00:24:20] and their impact can cause the dangerous cycle

[00:24:23] of chronic loneliness.

[00:24:26] Connection is still essential clubs, civic groups, community activities, sports leagues, drama groups. And volunteerism, once the backbone of American charity work, has also dramatically declined. The majority of adults do not participate in any kind of social group. And in 2020, only 16% reported that they felt very attached to their local community.

[00:25:44] Yeah, I find that so discouraging. It is impossible at this time to ascertain the pervasive impact of social media without further study. In a US-based study, participants who reported using social media for more than two hours a day had double the chance of reporting increased perceptions of social isolation.

[00:27:00] That was more than those who used it less than 30 minutes per day. never been married. Single-occupant households are the highest ever in recorded history. Now social status, race, gender identity. Loneliness impacts people of color, gender identity issues, immigrants, LGBTQ+, rural

[00:28:21] residents, victims of domestic violence due risk of cardiovascular disease, hypertension, diabetes,

[00:29:41] and infectious diseases. And that's in addition to the estimated six billion a year in Medicare costs for socially isolated older adults. Well, that's sobering. That will get the attention of a lot of important to a fulfilling life. Friendship is more important, more than twice as important, as marriage, children, or wealth.

[00:32:22] However, friendships and time spent

[00:32:25] have been declining since before the pandemic. One close friend or more felt completely or very satisfied with the quality of their friendship. One half of women told a friend they loved them in the past week, as did one fourth of men. I love that. Now, I'm going to take a look by social withdrawal, which increases the risk for both social isolation and loneliness. And then we add that social isolation and loneliness predict an increased risk for developing

[00:35:00] depression and anxiety.

[00:35:02] So there you go.

[00:35:03] It's not surprising that the research shows

[00:35:06] that the odds of developing depression in adults in General's Advisory. Here's the quote. Social isolation is arguably the strongest and most reliable predictor of suicidal ideation, attempts, and lethal suicidal behavior." That's pretty stark.

[00:36:21] So while many factors may contribute to suicide social connection may be one of the strongest protective factors against self-harm and suicide. And you know, Helen, I think this is a great place to wrap up today's topic because let's wrap it up here with this evidence of the

[00:37:43] incredible power of social connection. I mean, deep down bottom of the well, no hope end of the world? What's the use loneliness? He asked for the same nickel, she replied. Well, my story of loneliness

[00:39:03] is just about as old as I am. And here's the saddest one, I believed that fat I am, I said. I was certain that he was going to say very overweight. No, he said. I was going to say that you were very overwhelmed. So I was just always waiting for someone to turn on me. And therefore no one was

[00:41:44] privy to my authentic self and that was I often didn't. I stopped answering the phone calls and emails. I wouldn't let anyone in my apartment, even a handyman. I spent much of my time reading in bed, weeping, planning my death and cutting. Now my friends were loneliness. It was a devastating cycle. For years, I was so lonely, I would cry out to myself, where is everybody? This is the grim part of my saga of loneliness.

[00:44:23] But I hope that in telling it, it you are one of the chief reasons that I'm able to continue the journey, and

[00:45:41] I love the fact that we is a positive grounding exercise. Let's try it. Let's get mindful. Close your eyes if you can. Settle in and breathe. As always, let's begin with a few diaphragmatic breaths.

[00:47:04] Whether your eyes are open or closed, let's steady our breathing with two diaphragmatic slow, steady breathing going. Try to recall a time, if you can, when you were in a social situation where you compared yourself to others and felt less than, inadequate, or out of place.

[00:48:23] Maybe when you felt disconnected from those around you. Or were you doing the best you could in that moment? Now step back and see this social situation again. If your eyes are closed, please open them and gently bring yourself back to the room. Thank you for doing this mindfulness exercise with me. Well, thank you for taking us along with you, Valerie. It means a lot.

[00:51:01] I also want to thank everyone for joining Valerie and me today.